After a careful review of the options for the up-coming election:

I HAVE DECIDED TO BE A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT!!


HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

1. Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language, speak it or wait at the border until you can.

2. We will immediately adopt a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart' policy: "If we ain't got it, you don't need it."

3. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on them.

4. All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six months tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

5. Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't gettin nuttin' out. The President or any other politician will not be able to touch it.

6. Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

7. Professional Athletes­ Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive/banned for life.

8. Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. As for life sentences, no more: if convicted you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

9. Two exports will be allowed: Wheat and Corn. The world needs to eat. A bushel of either will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

10. All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

11. The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress and WILL include, 'Under God.'

12. The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

13. "In God We Trust" is not an issue.

14. Impeach those of the judiciary who disagree with #11, #12, or #13.

If this steps on anyone's toes, too bad. But a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

Those who live by the sword will be shot by those of us who don't: Don't bring a sword to a gun fight.



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