Words of Wisdom

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to
read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited
by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.-- Bob Hope

Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!!!